Inspirational Email From Agency CEO – Hilarity Ensues

My first job out of college was working for what I later (they hid it from me during interviews) found out to be a married couple. Yes, the top two executives at this tiny interactive agency that I worked at were not only married, working together, but also had to share an office the size of my bathroom. It was hell.

I learned a lot about how not to run a business during my tenure there, even lasting close to two years until finally realizing that I was making more money with my side freelance jobs than I was working long hours under two individuals who both had the unfortunate trait of wearing their emotions on their sleeves. I’m not ever going to give names, as they were good people deep down inside…. they just were lacking in certain areas that are necessary to become sucessfull as a small interactive shop here in the South. The gentleman (as I will refer to him from now on in lui of his name) was rather shy in nature, however his lady friend (aka wife) was his polar opposite. Not only that, but I’m positive she must have picked up a dictionary of business jargon somewhere along the line, spending hours memorizing every phrase and buzzword. This was noticed by all who knew her, including our clients who found it rather funny when she would whip out one of her patented non-sensical phrases with the intention of making it seem like she was well versed in modern business strategies. Leaving that company gave me a long list of things to “watch out for” in a potential employer as well as first hand experience with business tactics that I vowed never to use….. blatant over-use of business jargon being one of them.

With that being said, I recently stumbled across a posting from the wheresmyjetpack blog where he posts a “condensed/best-of” version of an internal email that apparently just made it’s rounds at a big-name advertising agency. Because of this, and that the content was too hilarious not to send out to friends as a joke, the names have all been changed to protect the innocent (well, and the guilty too). Reading this will make you laugh, cry, cringe, and then probably laugh some more because yes, it did in fact get sent out to the ENTIRE company, but more importantly – IT WAS FROM THE CEO. Enjoy:

Dear Colleagues:

Strong presence. Thank you personally. Well ahead of expectations.

Express our mission. Key essentials. Go the extra step. Continued success for all. Execute against our essentials.

Financial levers. Deliver significant value. Distinctive, compelling brands. Long-term unit growth*. Unmatched global pipeline. Unlock the value of our portfolio. Continue to seek opportunities. Aggressive focus on controlling costs. Provide the foundation. Deliver market-leading returns. Continue to adjust our goals. Raise the low end of our guidance ranges.

Thank you, again. Future ahead continues to be bright. Look forward to continuing to work with you. Exceed our goals together.

All the best,
CEO man

This should serve as a reminder that yes, even YOU, can bullshit your way into just about any high-level position in this industry as long as you know the right catch phrases and buzz words to drop that make those who are even less intelligent than you are think that you know what you’re talking about. In fact, you will most likely find these same people adopting these recently unveiled phrases/buzz words to show the rest of the peons (i.e. you) that they and the CEO both hail from the same planet…. I believe it’s called planet stupid…. but that may just be the scientific name for it. My apologies on not knowing the layman’s version of their homeland. I also remember that was a joke from an old Simpsons episode, none-the-less, when you see that emails like this get sent out from the guy signing your paycheck, it really makes you reconsider why you even showed up for work. That or you’re probably the type of person who likes to listen to Howard Stern. Not because everything he says is profound or funny, but rather because you just want to hear what he’s going to say next because you never know when gems like this will show up and make it all worthwhile.

Image also from wheresmyjetpack blog – apparently he does custom design work on the side

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